But, alas- my words will have a finite ending somewhere after many paragraphs i am sure.
I think anytime i am lacking motivation, or my current projects seem to slide into the mundane and pedestrian, I try to watch or quote to myself a line from a favorite book (and adapted film): never lose your childish ambition and innocence. of course, maintaining the innocence can be a challenge because all those adult responsibilities try to shape you into a budding, boring cynic. however, to combat that cynicism, it's still possible to pursue and to live the life that makes you happy, even if you're still figuring that out. Not fearing what all you have to lose, but embracing all that you have to gain and to live for. This is acting upon ambition.
Easy to say, harder to do- yes, don't we all know it?
For me, at a time when little is stable in my life (when is it or will it be stable...) i find myself constantly asking myself if 'this' is what i 'want'. Of course, my temp job pays the bills while i pursue my 2 internships which ironically and regrettably are given less of my time than i would have wished due to responsibilities, a.k.a. bills. All the while i wonder if the internships are even those which will get me onto the right school and/or career path. If nothing else, i have learned that jobs, internships, and even the process of applying to schools itself have all taught me what i do NOT want to do. When do you know when something is screaming at you to hold tight and climb aboard, rather than simply putting a big red X in front of that option? Quite frankly, im tired of the X's and ready for something that says 'yes!' all over it.
Or maybe it's just the snow, and the cyclic reverting back to the cold, teasing us after a long sunny day which had promised spring.
How do people avoid getting apprehensive, and nervous, and full of ideas at this time of year? They are tired of the same old thing, and ready to move on. I am definitely there. Only, i have known all winter that i was ready to move on, just not to which thing or place.
You might ask where all this is coming from, no?
Well, currently i have a temp job doing whatever menial projects are set me at Blue Cross Blue Shield insur. co. in Eagan. I work a variety of hours, depending on the day. In my other time during the week, i am maintaining those 2 internships: one, which i have mentioned in the past, at the Historical Society, and two, at the Minnesota Center for Photography in Northeast Mpls. I'm enjoying both, and learning alot (esp about what i do and do not want to do later), but i am no where near where i want to be yet. Perhaps it is supposed to be that way. At least I am not drifting only in some endless job that i hate, which is what i keep telling myself. I am pursuing something, whatever it is.
I have taken up yoga through a mpls adult rec program, which i think i will continue into the spring/summer because i like it so much. i have already learned alot about releasing stress and, of course, maintaining health. I've learned alot about breathing techniques, which have been the biggest keys to my success in my new found activity, in addition to success in carrying over what i have learned into my everyday life. i've known for some time now that when i get nervous, tense, stressed, or all of the above, i simply hold my breath and dont breathe. Not a good way to handle stress, so i've found out- the hard way and now verbally from a great yoga instructor. so, if you think you just might be interested in trying yoga, i'd say go for it! i promise you'll be waiting for the next class after you take the first.
Right now, i've got 2 major concerns on my mind: 1) getting into the right school, and 2) plan B if i don't go to school this fall. Yes, many of you know that family issues are of great concern to me right now as well, but then again- when haven't i been worried about that? It is simply a given; a rise and fall of daily and weekly thoughts, but sometimes one must move on to taking care of themselves first.
So, i must say that my 2 big stressors by and far take up most of my present brain activity day and night than anything else. Of course i think of other things, important and not, but alas, here i am- stuck in a haze about yet more schooling.
Through the process of applying i realized that 3 out of the 5 schools to which i applied, i dont think that i would actually accept an invitation to study. Take note, grad school potential students: the application process teaches you things, too. Also, in the midst of worrying about what i would do if the 'worst' were to happen and i were rejected from all the schools, i have had to create a 'plan b' to quell my tension. While doing this i have reverted to my law school interests and done some thinking as well as research and potential planning. Meantime, i have convinced myself, unknowingly and subconsciously until recently, that perhaps i should have chosen that application process for my first attempt at grad school rather than art history/archaeology/museology. Or maybe that even if i do get in to the school i want for museum work, that perhaps i should not accept the offer and try something else. It seems so backwards to me, but perhaps not.
I know that i have received good advice from lawyers i know who say, 'do not go to law school if you do not want to practice law.' Funny thing- at first i thought that meant i was exempt to the notion of law school because it sounds so harsh and hard & fast, now i find it more comfortable than my previous choice of grad school studies. At least for now. I think that i could/would be very happy practicing some sort of property law or property sales law. I think then I could still do major museum work because of how the practice of law relates to acquisition of pieces. We'll see. I still need to do more research.
This all is not to say that i would not be content with my first choice of study; i think that i would be happy with that as well. It just seems to me that i finally have some options which truly interest me and give me choices, which i didnt feel that i had for a while. While a walk down a straight and sure path is nice and easy, i think one with more choices will better befit my wants and needs and talents. It is 'simply' a matter of choosing.
On a less lengthy note, i have succumbed to the overpowering force of the tv series Lost. Nate's brother has the full first season on dvd, and so both nate and i kind of got sucked in like a black hole. I never really thought much of the show until i watched the first few, and then i was hooked. It certainly is nice to watch a show without 20 minutes of commercials per hour of television.
I am, sadly & gladly, selling my motorcycle this spring. I havent got a going price set in stone yet, but i think it is time. I have had my fun, it is no longer practical, i am ready for a car, and regrettably, i can no longer drive it due to my wrist. But, i don't let the last reason override the rest; the biggest reasons are the first three- the last simply pushes me that last inch toward selling mentality. Me and my first bebe had some fun, but in order to move on, a sale is nigh.
That is all i have to spew for now.
If i were Garrison Keillor i might say, "Be well; do good work; and keep in touch."
-chris
